Dating meets 30s

Because 30s is not 20s :)

To set the stage

What better than ageless wisdom to begin with. Age is a human designed notion where young/old are further refinements. (how mankind suffers its own creation!). And it is not absolute. In our self identified microcosm, 30s is old, but from the eye of macrocosm, we are a blink. If we have the zeal to live and learn, 30s are the new 20s. Even 50s are the new 20s.

Dating is not just a 20s ‘scene’. If we can run a marathon in our 60s, IPO a business in our 50s, then we can definitely tap into love in our 30s. Love is boundless, ever expanding and it should not be shackled by constraints of age. Unlike this sentence, love is light and simple.

I will go a step further, one really understands love in the 30s. And here, we have to credit it to age. Owing to our experiences spread over three decades, age brings wisdom, and wisdom shines clarity. This clarity reveals what love is — plain, without frills and powerful.

We have digressed, this book is not above love. It’s about dating, that too in the 30s. Which is not the same as the 20s. Dating with an intent, to find companionship, to strengthen romantic relationships, to experience the sweetness of love within us. We will come to love eventually.

Chapter 1- Explore vs Exploit

Unlike the 20s, we are not in college, an educational campus or we aren’t even new recruits at a workplace. These surroundings provide a comfort zone where humans of the opposite gender (or the same) are available, a many. That too single. That too with a deep conditioning by society and movies, that finding a partner is an obvious next step.

This leads to exploration. We have choice, and a hell lot of it. We can apply filters based on height, color, body shape, communication skills, etc. (mostly superficial you see). And that’s fine, due to the power of many, we also find one with a good heart. One can pick and choose, let go and repeat the process. Supply is plenty, and so is demand.

This changes in the 30s, where ’Exploit’ thrives. Society conditioning takes over, and the ‘many’ disappears. Single is looked at with suspicion. It’s no longer a sea of many fish especially with the filters that we cling to. Either we let go of them (age becomes a range, we awaken to racist elements in color obsession) or if we find someone, we accept them, learn to forgive them and compromise wherever we can. Dear readers, please note this in no way means you should accept abuse or toxicity. Compromise can also be shedding ego and moving forward, together.

So, in the 30s, due to lack of many and a fear of being alone, we focus on the ‘exploit’ rather than ‘explore’. We learn to go beyond the surface and really ‘know’ someone, because the choice paradox of the 20s is no longer a choice. We find joy and possibilities into existing relationships, not into what could have been. Wise 30’s huh.

Chapter 2- Tick tock Tick tock

That’s the sound of time passing away, in the 30s. Or rather, our awareness towards our mortal nature intensifies. With time, the availability pool shrinks, and our biological clocks tick faster. The latter is what drives urgency in most cases. We have limited time to date, evaluate, find a companion and have kids. How can then the pace of dating in 30s be the same as 20s?

The 20s are the age of exploration because we ‘believe’ we have a lot of time. There is no urgency in taking a decision in matters of the heart. One sided relationships, friends-with-benefits, long distance, he-will-oneday-realize-he-loves-me, leave-it-to-destiny — type of relationships can exist, because waiting can exist. Not in the 30s fortunately, or unfortunately.

In the 30s, the pace of dating is faster. The control lies with us, not with destiny or higher powers. At each moment during dating, evaluation becomes sub-conscious. Either we decide to go ahead, forgive or we add to the list of flags which appear red in retrospection. We don’t dilly dally with conversations or keep the other person guessing. We don’t fantasize relationships but invest ourselves into making them work.

The time period between dating stages becomes shorter. We move quickly between phone conversations to meetings to dating and more. Unlike 20s where one can spend months on chat, only to be friend zoned later. So in the 30s, it’s-going-too-fast has its own scale of measurement. We end up using the 20s scale only to freak out. So let’s be a bit more conscious of this different decade.

Chapter 3- Wisdom maketh (wo)man

With every year that goes by, experiences shape us. We gain more clarity and we realize that this life is our making. The choices we make are less driven by external influences and more by the voice within us. This holds true in dating even more. Call it wisdom or life’s imprints on us, we begin waking up.

In the 20s, we are influenced by movies and our peers. Where friendship is love. Where love is serendipitous. Where love is left to destiny. Where our soulmate will find us. And we wait for it to happen. A few of us move into the 30s to realize that knight-in-shining-armor ain’t coming. Or rather we conclude we don’t need any rescue, we are a full life by ourselves.

As we get to know ourselves a bit more, old adages lose meaning. There is no this-is-love playbook. We may not conform to the ‘opposites attract’ rule, we may find contentment in someone similar and ordinary, only to create an extraordinary connection. Unlike the 20s, where dating equates to being inseparable (in space), we value individual boundaries now. We do not allow space and time to determine the depth of our connections. We value transparent communication and avoid speculation. Like dating, there is no one formula to selecting a life partner. We may even look for compatibility in families, in food and language. And that’s okay. We come to accept the new adage — To each their own.

Chapter 4- Give, only give.

This is a digression from the theme of this book. This is applicable to all age groups. This is a true revelation and so anti any advice that we have ever received. All of us at some point in our lives have questioned ourselves or have been asked to ponder over — What are you getting out of this relationship? Which results in us analyzing, overthinking and feeling miserable. In many cases, taking a premature decision.

Did we ever stop to question the fundamentals — why should we ‘get’ something. Can a world exist where we can only give and not expect anything in return? Dear readers, please note (again), this does not include abusive or toxic relationships. Now back to giving — we have made dating or love into a marketplace where unless there is an exchange of gestures representing affection, we do not have a real connection. If we just focus on giving, we are bound to receive a lot more. Because this action is selfless and pure, we dissolve ourselves into it completely. Something that is one with our being is bound to work.

It is incredibly hard though. Having to continuously give unconditionally makes us vulnerable. But that vulnerability leads to courage, and that courage attracts the right people towards us. Someone who appreciates what we stand for only to give more in return (without us expecting). As Swami Vivekananda said — ‘Love for love’s sake’. Sums it up beautifully.

Chapter 5 — Many stars in our universe

In our 20s, we or our friends devote a large share of their time to boy/girl friends. Taking the same electives, having meals together, traveling in twos, constant texting and so on becomes the obvious normal. Our lives revolve around the other person, to the extent that we distance ourselves from other relationships (friends/family). The more we spend time with him/her, the deeper the connection we feel. Such a fallacy.

Fortunately, we are devoid of this time and opportunity in our 30s. Dating becomes one of the things that we engage in, not the sole reason for our existence. Due to age brought wisdom or peer pressure, we learn to value our lives and have this raging inkling to reach our highest potential. We devote our time to building careers, learning new skills, managing money and in some cases, being more self aware.

Wisdom apart, we run into new challenges that leave us with less time. We become the support for many — our parents, our siblings, friends and our teams. Our parents get sick often, they want us more around, we attend friends’ weddings, we plan team dinners and so much more. We even take a breather from everything above. Focus on our health becomes center stage and demands our attention. Household chores become a reality on weekends. We juggle time and relationships like never before!

We give a piece of our lives to many out of love and duty. So in our ever expanding universe, there cannot be one center to which we devote our existence. Either we are the star around which everyone revolves. Or we revolve around multiple stars. Both are beautiful.

Chapter 6 — Magic takes work

An extension of the previous chapter and many above, we’re not in a la-la land where destiny will guide our relationships. Or you-had-me-at-hello. Or time will tell. Time does not tell, it just flows linearly. (Or gets warped in a black hole).

In the 30s, despite our competing priorities, we make time for the other person, no matter how little. We understand that dating takes work and commitment from both sides. Commitment to communicate, to meet, to know each other. We no longer tell ourselves — Oh it will work out if it’s meant to be. We put in the effort. We create the moments that become magical eventually.

And this work is not always done in-person. We learn to check in with the other person, become vulnerable with our thoughts or share a joyous moment with them. So that they know a bit more of our lives and we theirs. In-person, we get that quick chai before we rush to a meeting or hike early morning before the day’s madness hits us. We create lasting impressions made in the smallest of moments. We take charge, find our rhythm and stick to it.

Sometimes our plans do not work. The effort we put in does not fructify. But we learn to let go, forgive and keep moving forward. Little by little, moment by moment, we sweat it out, we persevere — only to emerge victorious. Mind you, the victory may not lie in finding a companion but growing a little within.

Sounds like a hero’s journey. And it is quite the one.

Chapter 7 — See breakups as they are

Breakups are hard. In their wake, they teach us about ourselves, agnostic of any group. What differs is how we respond to them as we become older and wiser and busier.

In the 20s, we face heartbreaks. And it feels as if the world has crashed. We spend hours crying over the life we imagined together. It feels worse as we see people around us safe in their romantic bubbles. And remember, we have a lot of time to bury ourselves in this. After all, we were the Julia Roberts/Ryan Reynolds in rom-coms we watched in college, and they all had a different ending :)

In the 30s, breakups are hard but not harder. The illusion of reel relationships ends and so does the glorification of breakups in our head. Given our hands are so full with work, health and family, we do not have the mental bandwidth to keep ruminating over them. The less we harp over an incident, the less it has the power to influence us. So getting over breakups takes less time. We also consciously put effort towards moving on. Not just because we value ourselves, but also the tick tock of time passing is a constant background rhythm. Somewhere we know, we have less time to waste over unworthiness.

Yes, we do have our moments where we break down! But we pick ourselves up, or the decades long friendships that we nurtured guide us. Or the relief that Hinge/Bumble exists. And we give love a swipe again :)

Curtain Draw

Drawn on our collective experiences, so much has been said (rather written). It may sound like we should date only in the 30s (20s is frivolous, no!). Date when you want to, how you wish to. Just remember to value oneself, and value the mortal nature of our existence. Run, read, jump, cry and laugh — whatever makes you feel alive. Open yourself up and love will flow :)